An Open Letter To Myself

The past few days have been very challenging. There were a lot of unknowns and I am beginning to feel that I am headed nowhere. For someone who is easily bothered my uncertainty, I knew I was setting myself to craziness. At the same time, I just agree even if I know that a part of me is confused or a part of me doesn’t want to do what they want me to do. I am to blame sometimes why I am stuck on situations that I don’t want to be in. I guess, I really don’t know when to say “no.”

Growing up, I thought that I need to be the perfect daughter. I told myself I have to be different from my sister (not that she’s a bad daughter). I just need to give my parents a different experience. Here I am, 32 years later – still their daughter but far from perfect. I think my fear of disagreeing and not saying “no” has definitely bitten me in the ass, again.

I am tired. My personal life is complicated (for me it is). My work life is uncertain. I am just tired. I am fucking tired. There it is! I am tired.

I had a breakdown last Friday at a weird chair at the 6th floor of Uptown 2. I was talking to a friend when every single thing that is bothering me were overflowing. I knew I needed to let it out. I needed to feel the moment, I had to acknowledge that I am dealing with some pain.

I need to face this. I need to learn how to finally stop the cycle. I need to choose me this time. I can’t continue living a life that is dependent on other people’s dictatorship (exagge!) It won’t be easy. I know it won’t.

Mia, does he spark joy?

Yes.

All the moments we have shared, I don’t regret. He came as a surprise, I did not even pay much attention when he was introduced to me – the feeling is mutual (if you ask him). I was distracted by work and by a certain someone (lol!) It took a good two years before we started hanging out.

I miss him every day. Does he spark joy? Always in all ways. He may annoy me at times, but he is the best annoying person I know. Sometimes I wonder if he feels the same way about me. Yes, he doesn’t know how I feel. If you ask me, I am scared. I am scared of the answer if I ask him how he feels about me. I am scared. Scared as hell.

What happens next? I don’t really now. I want to do something about what I feel but I am too scared to do it. In time, all in His perfect time. (aaah!) Let’s see how it goes. Let’s see what happens in the next few weeks or months. nyahaha

Does he spark joy? Hell, Yes!

To the person you want to run to but can’t

Every single time I hear Run To You by Whitney Houston, I get the chills. One, because she’s got one of the best (if not the best) voice in the world (ever!) Two, I kind of relate to the song. It is true when they say that when we are sad, we hear the lyrics. I sure can hear (and relate) to the song loud and clear.

There will always be that person who you want to run to but he/she is not available physically or emotionally. I believe that we all have that one person that we yearn to be with, hug or hold on to when times get rough. We all want someone who we can share our successes and failures with. Life has its way of torturing us at times. We may have the greatest work only to come home to an empty apartment. We all just have to learn to live the best of what we’ve got and appreciate what God has blessed us with.

Time will come wherein every single thing we’ve been through will make sense. A time when all the stars will align and he/she will finally come. I hope when that time arrives, you/I will be ready.

Keep a realistic hit list, I am keeping mine.

I have always believed that me being single is a result of a very long hit list. A list of characteristics I want in a person – the list to check to know who is the One. I believe I have always thought that there is a perfect man out there. As I mature, my list started to change. I think it became a whole lot realistic. I became a lot more aware of what matters.

When I met you, my hit list was close to being gone. However, it was you who also reminded me that are still some characteristics that I should look for a person. There are still some non-negotiable things that are part of the list. It is not wrong to keep a list, just keep it real. It doesn’t have it to a mile long though.