Crazy Love

Only two things can reveal life’s great secrets: suffering and love. – Paulo Coelho, Aleph

I believe that I love passionately that sometimes I lose control of what I think and feel. There are moments wherein I feel that I get too caught up with my worries that I lose focus. It is a turmoil that I can’t seem to get a hold of. Love has definitely given me my highest highs and lowest lows. In times like these, I want to just be free of all the overthinking and craziness that I put myself through. Even the simplest of posts can drive me to a lot of thinking. Not good, Mia – not good.

I want to choose loving but with freedom. Freedom from overthinking and just being at the moment. There is magic in the smallest of moments and in the smallest of things. When I look back to the moments that matter, I feel the warmth. I just don’t want to waste the magic by overthinking or wasting it by entertaining negative thoughts.

I don’t want to lose the passion I have for life and for love. More so, I don’t want to lose myself. 

What to do, what to do.

I just completed a six week Comms training class and I must say it was such a challenging feat. During the course of six weeks, I have learned a lot about life, love, courage, hate, and resiliency. When I found out the demographics of my class it felt like a challenge to me. I knew that it won’t be easy and my fee-linial side will have to go on overdrive so I can catch up. Part of our sessions are free speech activities. I love doing free speech because I get to listen to different stories of my trainees. My class would always joke that my free speech activities remind them of their recollection/retreat sessions.

During these free speech sessions, one trainee shared that she was not sure of what she wants to do with her life. It resonated to me and I came to a realization that I have the same dilemma. At my very young age of 32, it seems that I am not so sure of what I want to do. I am not really sure who I want to become and I feel like I am still going with the flow of life. For a moment, I felt like panicking then I calmed myself down – I still have a class to complete. lol! It was good to actually say it out loud to validate that we are not alone in feeling lost.

I realized it’s normal to feel lost sometimes. I believe that life has a lot of surprises to offer and feeling like I know everything loses the magic of living. I strongly believe, that I am at the right moment and at the right time. Growing up, I feel like life is about ticking every single box (in order) in a long list of To-dos. To feel that life is unpredictable eases the tension of always completing something. Also, the more that I felt that life can be lived one step at a time made me enjoy things more. The pressure was released and I start to look forward to what lies ahead.

Life ain’t easy but it makes you love every breath and every move that you make. It’s okay to feel lost, it’s okay to feel defeated and it’s okay to feel confused. All that matters is you learn from every single thing that happens to you. Live and love your life – its the only one you’ve got.

I am feeling, 32!

I have recently turned 32. If you ask me, being 32 is nothing special because it only feels like an extension of being 31. The past few days have been quite a rollercoaster for me. I have not felt something like this before and I am scared as hell on where this leads. However, I have never been this happy and vulnerable at the same time. I have made a few discoveries about myself. There are still a lot of things I need to learn and experience before I can fully understand life.

One early Saturday morning I chanced upon an episode of Boy Abunda’s The Bottomline and he was talking to three motivational speakers and I must say, it is true that everything happens for a reason. They were talking about success, life, love, and purpose. The guests were Vince Golangco, Ada Cuaresma and MR Speaks. While I was watching the episode, it was like the Philharmonic Orchestra was playing. Every single point they shared hit me and it actually got me a bit teary-eyed. It was amazing hearing their words of wisdom and it was like hitting me one by one. It was a moment of realization. It was an Aha! moment.

I started asking myself, what is my purpose. Being at this point in my life, have I found what I really wanted to do. Am I still aimlessly threading the waters of life? Honestly, I think it is something that I should really sort out for myself. As what Boy Abunda said, listen to the co-host within. There is a silent voice within that is trying to find its way out. I am excited, nervous, and anxious of what lies ahead. I am not sure if I am ready to face it all; however, I know that having faith that I can make it through will definitely lead me to success.

Then there was a question about success. How do we measure success? Should we see success as relative? Watching The Bottomline episode made me realize that success should depend on how you define what makes you successful. I started reflecting on my life and how I see success, if I had my life run on all that is monetary – I will never see the beauty of the connections I have made. I didn’t even realize how much I have grown and done until I reflected on how I started. It was good to look back and it was also good to see how much people have touched my life and vice versa. I think that for me is my definition of success. More than money and all the recognitions I got, seeing the quality of relationships I have made – it was all worth it.

I believe that I have just seen the tip of the iceberg. There is still a lot more to see, feel, hear, and do. How I get there, I don’t know. I’ll cross the freakin’ bridge when I get there.